I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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