I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
