i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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