ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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