You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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