my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
