i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
