i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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