Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
