Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
