I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
