The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
