Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
