I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
