Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
