Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
