There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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