her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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