I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
