Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
