do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
