She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
