no, he came in my armpit
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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