Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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