Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
