Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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