I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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