The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
