Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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