He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
