Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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