So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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