I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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