So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
whose ass print is on the piano?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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