just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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