you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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