im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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