Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
