my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
