He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
