And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
