I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
one might say we're banned from that church
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just had sex on a roof
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
