My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
