apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
