Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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