I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
