I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
