I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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