Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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