i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
