Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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